Jump up, kick back, whip around and spin…

…then we jump back, do it again (Ninja-go! Ninja-go!) -The Fold

“There is no such thing as balance, you have to make choices.”
I just said that to my neighbor and had a HUGE ah-ha moment. Y’all…its TRUE. 

I have been deep inside my head and my emotions lately. I have been letting things fall through the cracks, my joy has been elsewhere, and I have been a bit of a mess. I tend to be very change resistant, and there is a lot of change going on for me. I am moving. I am moving back to Santa Cruz, where I originally found “my people”. Its only 33 miles but I am telling y’all, it feels epic. 

My son is ending his elementary school years in 8 days. 8 mother trucking days. My baby, my Moo, will be a MIDDLE SCHOOLER!!! Now, he’s had the attitude for a while, so…let’s not imagine some kid who is angelic and innocent, okay? Hahaha. 

My Toddlerface is potty training. She wears underpants. By choice. I’m not complaining about the decreased diaper laundry, but it sure feels strange. She is also nursing less and less. She is growing up. In front of my eyes. 

I have been feeling this pull, to allow God (as I understand It) to work through me in my life, but I am terrified of letting go completely. Admitting that publicly is a strange one. I know my purpose, it is clear: help families, especially mothers and children. Help mothers be conscious, curious, compassionate, and contributing so that they might raise children who are the same. In that, we change the world. Not me. Us. 

In all of this I see how in reality, there is no balance. Balance implies a little here and a little there, but that cannot be. I cannot keep hedging on our move, I have to commit full force, for my sanity and the security of my family. I cannot “balance” my passion for my family, and I don’t want to. I get so caught up in trying to balance…a little here, a little there…that nothing is getting done with my full attention.

That written, today I am saying goodbye to balance. I am committing to this season of my life that is so wabi sabi that I am probably both waving AND drowning. 

What season of life are you in? Tell me about it, and what you’re doing to enjoy it fully!!! 

You’ve got to stand for something…

…or you’ll fall for anything.

I don’t know where the original quote is from, and I’m feeling Google-lazy in this moment. I’m actually hearing the country song by Aaron Tippin play in my head. Oh how I thought he was amazing when I was young. I think I actually fangirled pretty hard when I met him. Youth…I miss it.

I was asked recently where I am showing up small in my life. I found it easier to answer where I am fully showing up. One of the areas I certainly show up small is in my writing. I am so afraid of offending anyone (and I realize there are many people on the internet who LIVE to express that they have been offended) that I don’t express myself. I recognize that I am not for everyone…and I actually like that because it means I’m authentic. Having typed all of that, I still haven’t found my niche in the world when it comes to giving/helping, which is something I am sensitive about.

At any rate, last week I attended the preview of the video they will be showing my son for his “Family Life” unit at school. There is no actual sex ed involved, but I went to the preview to make sure there were no negative statements made about masturbation or LGBTIQA identity. The video itself was almost 11 minutes long, and even with out any specific sex education, they still found a way to make a hetero-normative statement. After the preview, the teachers opened up the room for questions, and I bit my tongue. All I could think was “How many kids in the 5th grade and this school will see this and take it as a knock against who they are? Will they offer ANY education about LGBTIQA at all? What am I risking by bringing this up? Is it even relevant if the parents would kvetch anyway? Do I want to fight this right now?”

I did not. I did not say anything, and in my silence, I feel ashamed. I *did* have a conversation with my son when we left where I discussed that the video was all stuff he already knew (proper anatomical names, changes he’ll go through, etc) as well as the line that was hetero-normative. My son has two moms, a known donor/Papa, a step dad, and his mommy’s girlfriend. He has heard the term hetero-normative before, and he has been told all his life that it is perfectly fine if he has a boyfriend, a girlfriend, both, or neither. A few months ago we read the book George (if you have a late elementary/early middle school child, I cannot recommend this book highly enough, or even as an adult) and discussed what it means to identify as transgender. We discuss this stuff in our home because it is important.

When I was given the opportunity to discuss it in public I froze. I wasn’t in front of my kids and I choked. I was in a room with people I knew would disagree, and I didn’t feel like fighting. I say that because I recognize it, not to excuse my silence. In our home and in our lives as a family, we bring up real issues. We talk about race, privilege, socio-economics, sexual and gender identity, intersectionality, kindness, love, and compassion. We have to talk about these things if we want to change the world. As a mom, I believe parenting is Guerrilla Warfare on society. I change the world by putting conscious, compassionate, and contributing individuals in to it. Last week, I failed my own mission.

I can accept it, because I can learn from it. I can examine it and adjust. Like a sailor who has found themselves off course, I can realign myself to ensure arrival at my destination. I cannot have that moment back, and that makes me feel a little sad. As David Gibson says, “Daily gradual growth”, and that is what I’m committed to. So, here is to standing up, taking up some more space, and expanding my “offense” field. I will not apologize for who I am anymore, or for my beliefs, though I will say that I am 100% open to learning and hearing other opinions/beliefs/ways. I will not even say “no offense, but…” and have taught my children not to do so either.

When I express something, if it makes you want to talk, know that my “door” is open to respectful discourse. I welcome conversation. Comment, email me, engage with me. I will not tolerate disrespect, to me, my children, or of any one else, so make sure to keep any comments/emails on the up and up.